he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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