I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
