there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
