It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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