hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
