Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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