this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
