I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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