When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
