The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
