two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
