You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
