My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
