I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Every concussion has its silver lining
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Of course I have a pirate flag
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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