pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
