His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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