One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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