A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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