Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
