Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
