You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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