I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
