just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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