I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
