In the future we'll all be gay
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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