I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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