but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
