just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
