Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
well I can't set my house on fire every night
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I could make wine with my vomit
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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