drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize