I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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