I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
