I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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