My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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