dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
