i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
