THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
