i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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