in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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