Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
