one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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