I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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