We won't sleep together?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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