I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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