Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
