I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
