my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
