Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
