please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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