Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
