we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
