matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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