I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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