Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
