he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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