My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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