All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
