I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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