I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
