remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
