Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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