That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
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